cylilly's Blog

So maybe i've seen breaking awn 6 times and maybe i would still be keen on seeing it another 6. And maybe i rant about things that mean nothing. and maybe i need to stop going to subway and maybe because i wont stop going to subway i need to get something besides the tuna. and maybe thats okay with me because i like roast beef better anyways. and maybe im really hungry right now so all im thinking about is subway. and maybe that means i should eat. but maybe im not too keen on eating because its 1 in the morning. and maybe i have a rule that unless im under the influence of friends/starving/have chocolate at my fingertips im not meant to eat after 7. and maybe thats kind of gross but maybe i had a crush on a guy when i was younger who had a dietitian for a mother and maybe i dated him and maybe i was the type of person to change myself for a guy i liked. and maybe he had all of these rules and i adopted them and maybe i figured out i had to have my own voice but considering i also have to have routine could not let go of that rule. and maybe thats not even the worst thing i've done for a person. and maybe when i realized thats what i did i changed completely and maybe then i was too closed. and maybe when im too closed i start becoming a bitch. and maybe i notice their faults first and maybe i lie to them to give them a reason why i'm being such a bitch. and maybee they stay with because they think they love me and maybe i break up with them because i never did. and maybe they don't see it coming because i told them i did. and maybe that makes me feel horrible but i keep doing it and maybe i don't understand why and maybe i really want to delete that last bit but maybe i wont. and maybe im thinking of leaving ep for a little while just to catch up on a few things...

:) its 1 am and im tired as...

It’s all i can do to sit and write this down... My heart is going a hundred miles an hour. Usher said it best "im in love in this club" or some such nonsense. Actually it was probably something like i wana make love in this club... yeah that makes more sense, sex in the club. Nice. do you wana know a secret. WELL i cant tell you becasue then it wont be a bloody secret would it?. Ah, I promised Lilly i would be serious. very serious. Anyway it all comes down to a boy who caught my eye in the haze. What a statement! "it all came down to a boy.." isn’t that how it always starts. I had to say this now, i couldn’t wait for tomorrow... well today i suppose... because it is tomorrow! it is 2 in the AM. pretty early but we started the night during the day. The boy said and im almost certain he got this from somewhere 'we are all youth in revolt happy in the knowledge we know everything" well i suppose he could have made it up because what the fuck does it mean. We are disgusted because we are smarter than you, or we think we are? I have a friend called Jerry who is like a fountain of useless knowledge and because of that he is totally arrogant. He can tell you the average amount of calories the AVERAGE  fugg session burns off. Sex, such a monumental distraction. If the boy never had that thought, I think I could have looked past his lanky pale body, his ridiculous beanie. BUT i could see it there in his dull brown eyes. SEX SEX SEX.  I was a tease, but he thought i was an idiot! the vacant stare the blonde hair. how deceiving, im just uninterested and have a preference for yellow...

I really dont know what im saying. And i dont even drink. Im just sad because we had a really good conversation and he was actually interesting to me.. then he ended up being just another stupid kid. 

I've been wallowing, Uni has just started up again. The ones who didn't want to be there were weeded out, im lonely and old. So maybe i have a little thing with my own age. Im going to be 20 soon. DONT ASK ME WHEN. I'm still a child! WTH is this "getting older" crap? Not a fan...before I know it I'll be 25...a 1/4 of a century old. Oh dear. I'm going to shut up now because I just don't care. 

Today i didn't have HS.02. It was lovely! I didn't have to worry about my lecturers craving to humiliate me, I swear im going to have a heart attack or some stress induced type of heat disease. I despise that lecturer because im sick of my pulse trying to jump out of my throat every time im in his presence. Not cool Mr Ross. Next thing i dont care about, my friend ben was recovered from his emotional spasms. I don't do to well with random displays of 'sadness' and yesterday he had decided to let it ALL out. Let me paint  picture.

"Hey Ben"... "Hey Lillaahhhahahahha *SOB* i'm sorry its *SOB* I just *SOB*" 
all the while i'm just standing about two feet away no intention of going any closer because i was basically locked in place. He had to walk to me his arms wide open and i acted as a kind of a squishy type tree he could grip in to until help came. In the shape of my Savior Marieziel! I wish i could be as natural as she is,, i'm to awkward and i over think the smallest things. Like a hug. 

This is all because i'm trying to avoid my essay and my mum! So if i need to avoid anything else i'll be back ;]]
Anyway have a happy life.

 

because even though hes an arrogant, hypocritical asshole he can understand what those bloody people are saying. Jeremy kyle. ahh, besides no matter how lowsy you are feeling about yourself just watch that show and youll cheer right up.

On this episode Jeremy Kyle speaks with Tequila who says "my Bfs uncle slept with my son" thats coming up on Jeremy Kyle.  But first "My step dad cheated on me with my sister" (ACTUAL EPISODE) enter 18 year old girl with no teeth and morbidly obese 68 year old holding her hand... comedy ensues.

I doubt it will be legible and i can't be bothered fixing any mistakes. 

I'm forcing myself to write this. It is 12:46am I'm so extremely tired. But i can't sleep. Oh well now im here.. I don't want this to be another thing i start and get bored of so Hai, today everything dropped out of my folder while i was walking and that was the worst thing that happened, so i had a pretty good day. I recently read "The Lucky child" by Thomas Buergenthal and when i read i get... immersed/ engrossed  in the book, like most people i suspect. I cant really stop thinking about it.  Its about a boy in the Holocaust. So lately my friends are moaning alot about  Ohh, "I cant believe uni is almost here im not prepared.. I have no money i spent it all... My Ex Boyfriend called me heartless (true story)" I think well at least you're not a Jewish boy in the Holocaust! Death marches, Selection,Confusing disgusting acts of Inhumanity. When i finished it i was back to normal; crying over a declined extension, or how bloody poor i am. The life of a student/ part timer. Totally GLAMOROUS.

I had a fight with my ex bf. It was fun because i like to watch him act, i think he will be very good politician when he hes older because he has a knack of making bullshit sound legit. He said i was heartless i wish i could have recorded him saying it because he sounded like he was auditioning for Shortland street or something (Nz TV show reference) ... Without going into it i suddenly just didn't like to be around him anymore, so i broke it off. Maybe it was too sudden, Maybe i should have given it more effort. But I cared more about him when he wasn't more that a friend, i wonder why that is...Anyway is it really my fault i didn't want to lie anymore? Probably, but thats not the point. I think I'm too young for a relationship anyway, too young and too selfish. No one will outrank me when it comes to me, and i don't see that changing anytime soon. 

Sorry if my spelling is horrible, i tried! :]
i edited.

Guys, I cant sleep. It just hit 6am. I have to be up in one hour. Ive been up for over 24 hours. Im not on anything, this is seriously distressing. I told myself to stay off this so i wold have to sleep but i just lay there. I think its time i started considering narcotics. 

I've been staying in a cabin in the woods. Well not in the 'woods' but in a place surrounded by the… woods. Im here for one more night. Right now its about 1030pm (despite what the bloody thing says, somebody fix it i cant be bothered) im sitting at an old computer in an internet cafe about a half hour away from our dream cabin. And about an hour away from the actual cabin me and a few friends are currently residing in.  I know a boy who likes to pressure us into doing stupid shit and for some reason he decided this is a great way to spend our last week of freedom before uni. I've never really agreed with him on much but this one thing.. its great! its beautiful here, there is a lake right in front of  the house, we went swimming last night and it was perfect. Afterwards i just fell right to sleep. Even though our place is so tiny i have to share a bed with two of my friends. 

 

Im in love. With this house and the idiot who brought us here who is looking over my shoulder with an expression thats saying. Im the one who brought us here who's this idiot you speak of :] and im in love with us. Even though kaylah wouldn't swim, even though dannielle told us she could swim and then almost drowned even though 'don't put my name on there' made me drive an hour into "TOWN" so she could check her emails and buy chocolate. I love us. This place is so pretty. in its simplicity i've found a second home. 

 

.. and i don't even do drugs. 

There are people all around me. Its a Saturday night, well a Sunday morning. Just hit 2:17 am actually, dont listen to the time up there its a liar! I just figured out the password to a girls computer who i met today. It was her boyfriends name. She just seemed like the type. Its coming to a close and you know when these things dwindle down the sad music comes out and the crying begins. We've been listening to Fleetwood Mac and... Bruno mars? i don't know but its nice . There is something oddly comforting about sad music. Something relaxing. It makes me in love with love. Lindsey and Stevie Nicks should be together, maybe they are but I'm not going to waste my life googling something that may not be true when i can just believe it is and be happy. 

I'm kind of lonely right now, weird huh? All my friends are here but here i sit, in front of a computer, because of you. Writing something i probably will not read again. Thinking things i will forget by the time i get up. I'm lonely right now. They've just played landslide for the third time and its stopped being comforting, Now its just depressing. I'm terribly lonely right now. I don't drink anymore so i feel like I'm the only one really here. Everybody is gone, leaving their bodies with me to babysit while they all go off somewhere i cant quite reach. Cheesus, here she goes. I know you don’t know but its okay. Have a happy life... to whoever is out there and don't hurt your friends. They trust you and some love you more than you may think.

...

I'm 19, you can call me Cy (like sigh) if you want to call me anything. I'm tired but I'm waiting to meet someone who will blow my mind away. Should i tell you, yeah you, the girl/boy with the potential to blow my mind away a little about myself?

Okay first things first I have work in about 4 hours, but here i am. My friends think i have a touch of Insomnia, but i think my body has just become used to this schedule. I cant sleep before midnight, i just cant do it. Its 2am here and im starting to sway.... Next I'm currently on break from uni, i study psych  and health science, I'm in my second semester and that's all well say about that. Im Single. Ouch. feel the quiet judgements. Im Mental. I love the people i love, the obvious ones, the ones everybody mentions. My family, my friends, my cat who thinks its a fat dog. Even my roommate, a little.

I'm here because, well honestly i was really sad when i signed up. I remember when i was on this about a year ago i talked to alot of people, i even made a very good friend.. a man who blew my mind away... but we don't talk anymore. I miss him so here i am. I'm going to try this time I'm going to make friends who i actually talk to. if you're out there dont hesitate to talk to me... Im right here waiting. Intense? Sorry.

Cy:]